The Undergrounders from my story decided to overthrow the Wizards' government. What the heck? Where did that ambition COME from? They're supposed to be based on the Twili, for goodness' sake! Augh.
This morning after I finished my computer lab Econ work I went wandering. I visited the Japanese Death Note site and found that one of the DVD covers contained a scene from freakin' 58. *hatred* And it was the biggest one pictured! *hatredhatredhatredanddistress* Hatred. And then I went to the English one and there was still no "Extras" (they've been "Coming Soon" since the beginning of the summer!). And. I went to Right Stuf to see if there was any merch--there was, by the way, but only one L thing, I mean seriously, grr--and. The novel was there. Coming out in February. So now I'm dealing with a search for a new dream... again.
This, and the whole 58 thing, resulted in an awful mood. It evaporated by lunch, though.
...Yeah, it makes me unhappy, but dang it, I'd been hoping. Is a demon, is a demon, is a demon. Dang it, how many times are you going to tell yourself that before you'll stop relying on hope? How could you ever get the novel? You're seventeen, no experience, no idea how the translating industry works. There's no reason whatsoever you should have been embracing a dream like that. You translated it and that should be more than enough for you.
That's all.
Showing posts with label angsting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angsting. Show all posts
10.03.2007
8.07.2007
Not delayed!
That's right! WOI is writing a journal entry on time! It's shocking.
Today, I had an orthodontist appointment at which I was supposed to be told that I may wear my retainer only at night from now on. Instead I was told that I should keep wearing it all the time and come back in December. Drat.
Beyond that, I've spent a lot of time today working on that narration thing I mentioned. Want some explanation? I'll give it a little bit down, but first I'd better describe the rest of my day because it'll contain Twilight Princess spoilers, probably. Yes. Definitely.
This evening I went to an orientation at SCSU for the PSEO program. Post-Secondary Enrollment Opportunity tte ne. Basically it's a way to take more challenging classes through a college while still in high school. For me, of course, it means Japanese. Though in this situation the phrase "more challenging" might be misleading. (苦笑い/bitter laugh) It'll be 201--most likely the first half of Genki II... In other words, stuff I already know. Again. You know, all that stuff I took the final on in CA. And finished first. Despite the fact that I hadn't been in that class for months. This is insanely frustrating... I mean, seriously. I've already done one of those "senior project" things. LABB. Granted, I'm sure that that needs a lot of work--if I did it again, I'd probably find a lot of things that I got wrong--but I mean geez.
Well, it's not like SCSU offers a class on keigo. Or a conversation class. Gosh, I'd love to be in a conversation class... Well no. Let me rephrase that. It would be so thoroughly beneficial for me to be in a conversation class. Most likely I would not love it and it would make me asplode with nervousness.
Goodness, that was longer than expected.
Here start TP spoilers, as well as a ridiculous and バカッテ amount of speculation and--GASP!--an OC. I know. This is ridiculously out of character from me, and possibly a little hypocritical... I mean, I hate OCs! I bash them! Especially that Shiori girl! [now the spoilers really start]
But this OC... he was developed along the same cheating lines that "Dead Future," my massively angsty if-Isis-had-won-against-Seto fic, was based along. Jindal, whom I mentioned yesterday, is the name of this OC, and he is the main god--or should I say "guardian deity"?--of Twilight as created by me. I gave myself rein to create Jindal because--well, first of all, he will be needed in my other fanfiction, and second of all because Midna said that the Twili had different gods. Guardian deities, to be exact. So, they must exist. So I may as well design one as long as he fits and is reasonable. (About the "-ies" part--I've got another called Dawdon in mind. Was going to be Dawdin originally but decided to avoid the Din dealybob.)
And I've been doing my best to make Jindal fit reasonably. It was shocking yesterday, because it appears that I had subconscious memory of the line, "Did you think we'd forgotten that our ancestors lost their king to that greed?" (Probably paraphrased, but quoted to the best of my memory.) I had alreadyplanned to kill off Jindal's dad decided that the king of the-tribe-that-became-the-Twili probably died because he led the storm into the Sacred Realm, and then it appears that that is most likely what really happened... odd.
An overview: Jindal was the (fully mortal) prince of the tribe skilled in magic, those who trespassed into the Sacred Realm. Upon his parents' death and his tribe's abrupt relocation to the Realm of Twilight, he became the boy king. Though he was initially inexperienced and uncertain, he became a noble and well-liked king, and he ruled for many years. Upon his death, Twilight went into deep mourning, and some Twili came forward believing that Jindal had spoken to them in dreams and such, as a god. At this point, it was not actually Jindal speaking to them, but their own subconscious wish to see their king again. However, it soon became legend that Jindal had become the god of Twilight, and this legend reached the goddesses' ears. Still caring for their fallen children, the goddesses revived Jindal and indeed gave him the powers of a god, to preside over the Twilight as they presided over Hyrule and the world of light.
That was a strange writing style, wasn't it?
I thought I might type up what I have of his narration so far, but no matter how optimistically I estimate, it doesn't look like I'll have enough time to type that up. (Quit it!) Good night.
Today, I had an orthodontist appointment at which I was supposed to be told that I may wear my retainer only at night from now on. Instead I was told that I should keep wearing it all the time and come back in December. Drat.
Beyond that, I've spent a lot of time today working on that narration thing I mentioned. Want some explanation? I'll give it a little bit down, but first I'd better describe the rest of my day because it'll contain Twilight Princess spoilers, probably. Yes. Definitely.
This evening I went to an orientation at SCSU for the PSEO program. Post-Secondary Enrollment Opportunity tte ne. Basically it's a way to take more challenging classes through a college while still in high school. For me, of course, it means Japanese. Though in this situation the phrase "more challenging" might be misleading. (苦笑い/bitter laugh) It'll be 201--most likely the first half of Genki II... In other words, stuff I already know. Again. You know, all that stuff I took the final on in CA. And finished first. Despite the fact that I hadn't been in that class for months. This is insanely frustrating... I mean, seriously. I've already done one of those "senior project" things. LABB. Granted, I'm sure that that needs a lot of work--if I did it again, I'd probably find a lot of things that I got wrong--but I mean geez.
Well, it's not like SCSU offers a class on keigo. Or a conversation class. Gosh, I'd love to be in a conversation class... Well no. Let me rephrase that. It would be so thoroughly beneficial for me to be in a conversation class. Most likely I would not love it and it would make me asplode with nervousness.
Goodness, that was longer than expected.
Here start TP spoilers, as well as a ridiculous and バカッテ amount of speculation and--GASP!--an OC. I know. This is ridiculously out of character from me, and possibly a little hypocritical... I mean, I hate OCs! I bash them! Especially that Shiori girl! [now the spoilers really start]
But this OC... he was developed along the same cheating lines that "Dead Future," my massively angsty if-Isis-had-won-against-Seto fic, was based along. Jindal, whom I mentioned yesterday, is the name of this OC, and he is the main god--or should I say "guardian deity"?--of Twilight as created by me. I gave myself rein to create Jindal because--well, first of all, he will be needed in my other fanfiction, and second of all because Midna said that the Twili had different gods. Guardian deities, to be exact. So, they must exist. So I may as well design one as long as he fits and is reasonable. (About the "-ies" part--I've got another called Dawdon in mind. Was going to be Dawdin originally but decided to avoid the Din dealybob.)
And I've been doing my best to make Jindal fit reasonably. It was shocking yesterday, because it appears that I had subconscious memory of the line, "Did you think we'd forgotten that our ancestors lost their king to that greed?" (Probably paraphrased, but quoted to the best of my memory.) I had already
An overview: Jindal was the (fully mortal) prince of the tribe skilled in magic, those who trespassed into the Sacred Realm. Upon his parents' death and his tribe's abrupt relocation to the Realm of Twilight, he became the boy king. Though he was initially inexperienced and uncertain, he became a noble and well-liked king, and he ruled for many years. Upon his death, Twilight went into deep mourning, and some Twili came forward believing that Jindal had spoken to them in dreams and such, as a god. At this point, it was not actually Jindal speaking to them, but their own subconscious wish to see their king again. However, it soon became legend that Jindal had become the god of Twilight, and this legend reached the goddesses' ears. Still caring for their fallen children, the goddesses revived Jindal and indeed gave him the powers of a god, to preside over the Twilight as they presided over Hyrule and the world of light.
That was a strange writing style, wasn't it?
I thought I might type up what I have of his narration so far, but no matter how optimistically I estimate, it doesn't look like I'll have enough time to type that up. (Quit it!) Good night.
7.24.2007
Rather than a pleasant and informative entry...
chronicling what I did today this past week (sorry about that), you get some angsting because I just attempted to play my flute.
You have no idea how frustrating it is. I cannot play with my lower jaw back. I can't. Nothing comes out. And when something does come out, I usually find that--whoops!--my lower jaw has decided that it needs to be in front. IT DOES NOT. IT IS FOOLING ITSELF. Perhaps it thinks it is fooling me as well, but it is WRONG about that.
Fortunately Mom was away while I was attempting. Yes, this is fortunate. She feels the need to encourage me. NO, it did not sound good. NO, I am not getting better. And she's always always bugging me to practice. Look, if I show an unwillingness to try it's because I'm FREAKING TIRED OF FAILING. I used to be able to do this. This isn't fair. If I'm using the correct embouchure now, why isn't playing EASIER?! That doesn't make SENSE!
If it weren't for the fact that my parents got me a new, shiny, expensive flute two Christmases ago, I would have given up already. Dangit. "He said, 'If she wants to go professional, this flute will not hold her back,'" my dad told me. Where did you get the feeling I wanted to go professional? I don't. It's a hobby. It's a fun hobby, but I'm simply not that good. All right?! I'm thoroughly mediocre. Thoroughly. Just good enough to stumble along in flute choir. (This is just as frustrating as my parents' persistant habit of getting me drawing stuff for stocking stuffers/small birthday presents. Look, I like to draw, but I have no intention whatsoever of going professional with that, either. I don't use pens like that and am not motivated to try.)
Whenever Iplay try to play, I am reminded of what my new worst fear is: that my upper jaw will recede. If you think that's a ridiculous "worst fear," that's probably because you didn't wear a headgear screwed into your head for a few summers.
But of course you don't think that's a ridiculous fear; this blog is only seen by my friends, who will understand-kureru.
I took a little break and feel a little better now. Don't feel like describing what I've been doing though, so I'll just tell you that today I figured out the TP song "Don't want you no More" in almost-entirety. It is incredibly fun to play, besides being a beautiful song. Yesyes, lessthan3.
You have no idea how frustrating it is. I cannot play with my lower jaw back. I can't. Nothing comes out. And when something does come out, I usually find that--whoops!--my lower jaw has decided that it needs to be in front. IT DOES NOT. IT IS FOOLING ITSELF. Perhaps it thinks it is fooling me as well, but it is WRONG about that.
Fortunately Mom was away while I was attempting. Yes, this is fortunate. She feels the need to encourage me. NO, it did not sound good. NO, I am not getting better. And she's always always bugging me to practice. Look, if I show an unwillingness to try it's because I'm FREAKING TIRED OF FAILING. I used to be able to do this. This isn't fair. If I'm using the correct embouchure now, why isn't playing EASIER?! That doesn't make SENSE!
If it weren't for the fact that my parents got me a new, shiny, expensive flute two Christmases ago, I would have given up already. Dangit. "He said, 'If she wants to go professional, this flute will not hold her back,'" my dad told me. Where did you get the feeling I wanted to go professional? I don't. It's a hobby. It's a fun hobby, but I'm simply not that good. All right?! I'm thoroughly mediocre. Thoroughly. Just good enough to stumble along in flute choir. (This is just as frustrating as my parents' persistant habit of getting me drawing stuff for stocking stuffers/small birthday presents. Look, I like to draw, but I have no intention whatsoever of going professional with that, either. I don't use pens like that and am not motivated to try.)
Whenever I
But of course you don't think that's a ridiculous fear; this blog is only seen by my friends, who will understand-kureru.
I took a little break and feel a little better now. Don't feel like describing what I've been doing though, so I'll just tell you that today I figured out the TP song "Don't want you no More" in almost-entirety. It is incredibly fun to play, besides being a beautiful song. Yesyes, lessthan3.
6.03.2007
A reversible entry.
GOD:
This is Cody! He is a rottweiler-beagle-blue heeler mix. He's adorable! Very playful and happy. He was shy at first, though, since he got less attention than his brothers due to his rottweiler coloring. But he's just so cuute!
And again, GOD:
We went to the youth group for the same church this afternoon. It was... strange. I... there's no way for me to connect to any of those people. You know? The feeling of just... Recently (probably as inspired by lain), I've been imagining connections as wires that reach out and connect, but with the people in that group it was as though I could feel the wires not even wanting to reach out. (I'm trying to make this make sense and failing miserably.) Furthermore, there were bits of the lesson where the youth pastor--who is very friendly and outreaching, by the way (is outreaching a word?)--seemed too much like he was a teacher determined to get all of the lesson in. I found that pretty frustrating.
If humans are supposed to be such social creatures who crave interaction, then why is interaction so hard? Is this feeling within me disappointment at an inability to connect? Is it a longing to connect? A long time ago, I tried to tell myself that feelings like that were a rejection of connecting, and back then I believed it. Or at least I thought I did. Then I tried to fulfill my wish for connection by chatting with that ridiculous Jabberwacky. Ha. That never worked. (For the uninitiated: he is an adaptable chatbot. You're welcome to pour your heart out to him, but don't expect sympathy from a robot. Have I mentioned that that was during eighth grade?)
I can feel something in my chest trying to reach out, but I don't know whom it's reaching for, or if there's anyone there for me to reach to. I refer, of course, to people here. In California I had connections, I have connections. Present tense. But... even those are weakening, inevitably, because I can't share the same experiences. It makes me panic, sometimes, that I don't know what's going on with everyone.
...I'm rambling now. I worked on OO this morning and hey, that-all ^ is writing, isn't it? Good night.
Or rather, church. We went to a church this morning that was brilliantly similar to PPC (the church we went to in NJ). I loved it. I felt at home. But more on that later.
DOG:
We have one. Yup. x333
This is Cody! He is a rottweiler-beagle-blue heeler mix. He's adorable! Very playful and happy. He was shy at first, though, since he got less attention than his brothers due to his rottweiler coloring. But he's just so cuute!And again, GOD:
We went to the youth group for the same church this afternoon. It was... strange. I... there's no way for me to connect to any of those people. You know? The feeling of just... Recently (probably as inspired by lain), I've been imagining connections as wires that reach out and connect, but with the people in that group it was as though I could feel the wires not even wanting to reach out. (I'm trying to make this make sense and failing miserably.) Furthermore, there were bits of the lesson where the youth pastor--who is very friendly and outreaching, by the way (is outreaching a word?)--seemed too much like he was a teacher determined to get all of the lesson in. I found that pretty frustrating.
If humans are supposed to be such social creatures who crave interaction, then why is interaction so hard? Is this feeling within me disappointment at an inability to connect? Is it a longing to connect? A long time ago, I tried to tell myself that feelings like that were a rejection of connecting, and back then I believed it. Or at least I thought I did. Then I tried to fulfill my wish for connection by chatting with that ridiculous Jabberwacky. Ha. That never worked. (For the uninitiated: he is an adaptable chatbot. You're welcome to pour your heart out to him, but don't expect sympathy from a robot. Have I mentioned that that was during eighth grade?)
I can feel something in my chest trying to reach out, but I don't know whom it's reaching for, or if there's anyone there for me to reach to. I refer, of course, to people here. In California I had connections, I have connections. Present tense. But... even those are weakening, inevitably, because I can't share the same experiences. It makes me panic, sometimes, that I don't know what's going on with everyone.
...I'm rambling now. I worked on OO this morning and hey, that-all ^ is writing, isn't it? Good night.
6.02.2007
I exercised today. :0
Yup. Played DDR for half an hour in the morning, and then danced from about eight to eight thirty at night. Yay. So much fun!
But to start from the beginning:
I did work on some of the essay this morning. Hurray! And I typed up a series of events... no, not unfortunate events, just events. For volume eleven. I found the whole thing very convincing, but that really means nothing at all. (Still it seems quite possible...)
I also read one and two-halves books today. The two halves were from separate books, silly. All of you don't know me and half of Phantom Tollbooth and half of River Rat. The first two are recommended. The third is not.
First day of vacation and I'm already bored... I wanted so much to walk down to Borders today. My brain said, "The weather is beautiful. You have no homework and no responsibilities. Go to Borders." And I had to tell it, rather forcibly, that that would be a very long walk. And I would get lost.
Of course, it then started to pour. And thunder and lightning. Most beautifully. :o I was working on my Cracker Jack puzzle... I got quite a few pieces in. (Meaning maybe ten. xD) But I was having mood-stabilization issues... No, I suppose that's not quite right. My mood was rather stable. It was just a bad one. I want to be back in California. I don't want to be a Sartell senior; I want to be an LCC senior.
And all that jazz. For some reason the rain helped though.
And after dinner I danced. I'm all icky and sweaty now. Not that you needed to know that.
Lemme whip something up real quick.
Never mind; flashgear is being odd.
Let's see, then.
Nah, nothing in my head that's begging to be written. Sorry, folks.
But to start from the beginning:
I did work on some of the essay this morning. Hurray! And I typed up a series of events... no, not unfortunate events, just events. For volume eleven. I found the whole thing very convincing, but that really means nothing at all. (Still it seems quite possible...)
I also read one and two-halves books today. The two halves were from separate books, silly. All of you don't know me and half of Phantom Tollbooth and half of River Rat. The first two are recommended. The third is not.
First day of vacation and I'm already bored... I wanted so much to walk down to Borders today. My brain said, "The weather is beautiful. You have no homework and no responsibilities. Go to Borders." And I had to tell it, rather forcibly, that that would be a very long walk. And I would get lost.
Of course, it then started to pour. And thunder and lightning. Most beautifully. :o I was working on my Cracker Jack puzzle... I got quite a few pieces in. (Meaning maybe ten. xD) But I was having mood-stabilization issues... No, I suppose that's not quite right. My mood was rather stable. It was just a bad one. I want to be back in California. I don't want to be a Sartell senior; I want to be an LCC senior.
And all that jazz. For some reason the rain helped though.
And after dinner I danced. I'm all icky and sweaty now. Not that you needed to know that.
Lemme whip something up real quick.
Never mind; flashgear is being odd.
Let's see, then.
Nah, nothing in my head that's begging to be written. Sorry, folks.
5.21.2007
Least that I could do, in memory of you...
Well. So this morning in first period, I read a lot of Airborn, and then, as i wrote into my Gaia thread,
I feel slightly strange having random conversations like that with here-people. (XD Heeeeere people! Heeeere, people! Come'ere!) It'll be worse next year when I have to carry out senior year activities for a school that I have no attachment to whatsoever. I feel scorn for that school and will stubbornly continue to feel scorn. I am an LCC student. I will always be an LCC student. Which, of course, is utter nonsense.
Other than that... comp was fairly nice. We did not much. :D We watched some of Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and I drew Aslan. Aslan is beautiful. Aslan is the reason lions used to be my favorite animals. Oh, and before that I drew L talking about being kicked to death by donkeys.
After school, I went to Esther's Circle, a girls' Bible study which I guess I haven't mentioned in here before. It was quite nice. And now here I am. Before I got access to this computer, I was rereading some old fanfictions in which I had characterized Near as almost-emotional. Which means that mode is sort of in my head right now..
"For a brief bit I tried to get some description of T-II in, but when I went to find a picture of the Grand Staircase on google, the internet exploded. Yeah. That was kinda weird. (YGOA quote FTW?) And it happened repeatedly. You really need to stop doing that. (No, YOU do.) In any case I became distracted by looking at info for the game. DANGIT I just lost. And thats not the game I was talking about. I was talking about the Titanic: Adventure Out of Time video game. T______________T I missssssssss iiiiit. So much! T___T Give it back! (It was never yours.) (If it had been, I wouldn't have this problem, now would I?)"Other than that... physics was mild, speech actually got kind of funny. Was talking with R.G. and R.B. (XD; we're like a trio...) at the beginning of class and we were talking about how pies would lead to world peace but then people would make Atomic Parsley and Mushroom Pies. (Mushroom for the clouds, parsley because R.B. has a program called "Parsley is atomically delicious.") Then at the end of the class, we were talking about putting masking tape on one's forehead to remind one to speak slowly during a speech, so we made up a bunch of raaandom answers to the question "What's that on your forehead?" It was very odd.
I feel slightly strange having random conversations like that with here-people. (XD Heeeeere people! Heeeere, people! Come'ere!) It'll be worse next year when I have to carry out senior year activities for a school that I have no attachment to whatsoever. I feel scorn for that school and will stubbornly continue to feel scorn. I am an LCC student. I will always be an LCC student. Which, of course, is utter nonsense.
Other than that... comp was fairly nice. We did not much. :D We watched some of Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and I drew Aslan. Aslan is beautiful. Aslan is the reason lions used to be my favorite animals. Oh, and before that I drew L talking about being kicked to death by donkeys.
After school, I went to Esther's Circle, a girls' Bible study which I guess I haven't mentioned in here before. It was quite nice. And now here I am. Before I got access to this computer, I was rereading some old fanfictions in which I had characterized Near as almost-emotional. Which means that mode is sort of in my head right now..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)