'Kay, God.
If it's all right I'm going to type this out as a prayer because if I just think it, I'll lose focus and will go off to Lawyer-Land to work on Mia's case some more. That's what my brain likes to do. But if it's written out I can't exactly go plotting, can I? ...For appearances, I suppose, which is the wrong motive, but it's the best I've got.
What do You want of me?
...I suppose... it's my fault, for trying to answer that question with a Tarot reading. No, for supposing it answered through that Tarot reading. ...Without even praying about it properly. ......Seriously now. I'm not sure why I thought that was a good idea, and is it really mixed messages if okaruto guddzu (wth@olllllllld phrase is old) tell me one thing and I hear a different answer in a sermon? Hardly. Like I wondered after the first reading, should I be doing the opposite just because the cards tell me so? ...Ha.
I do believe that You have placed me here for a purpose--or do I? Or do I just wish I believed that? K.C. was so confident when she said that and I was impressed. That the reason I got into only one school was so that I would definitely wind up here, where I belonged. Even if that is the reason I still think there's another one--to knock my pride down a peg or two which I always need and never like. ...But that is unrelated. This is all babbling and am I really praying?--or just thinking into the keys...? Either way I am thinking about the matter which is good.
God, do I belong here? It's expensive. And the focus in Japanese is on speaking, not writing, which isn't what I like and isn't... what I need for the future. I have no intention of being an interpreter. No thank you. And I don't agree with the textbook's philosophy at all. But then again the Fiction Writing program is supposedly great, but writing is... I feel like my majors are so impractical, just because they're what I love. No matter. This isn't a question of my majors, this is a question of where I'll be taking them.
So it's painfully expensive here. There are ways I can help that... And I need to get on them. Finding a job is crucial. Going to the financial aid office and asking about ways to get more scholarships is as well. And perhaps finding a site with a better interface than FastWeb's. ...I refuse to go back to FastWeb because it is OBNOXIOUS.
Is that what You want me to do, God? In the sermon today the pastor that people wind up where they wind up for a reason. Because You put them there. I suppose since I was given no chance to struggle there can be no doubt that You put me here, so You must want me here at least temporarily. But permanently? --Or for four years, I mean. Or do You want me to learn something here and then move on? Perhaps not to be so complacent. Another message I can always use. And always ignore because complacency is easy. It wouldn't hurt I suppose to look into other schools other Japanese programs but boy would it not be fun. I really do not want to go through the college application process again, honestly? That was not fun. But if God placed me here for a reason, then what on Earth is that reason? Milton, you arrogant old dead man, get over here and justify the ways of God to me. Ha. Kidding. Like I really need the advice of someone so self-absorbed, get enough of that from myself. (To not be so hard on myself: another thing the Tarot reading told me, and I laughed because oh I do like to be hard on myself when it comes to things like this. But then again I criticize myself and do nothing to change the matter, so perhaps going by reverse-psychology I should be harder on myself. Off-topic.)
God, I wish I knew what You want from me. But what good does it do to think that? Why should God need his ways justified to man anyway? He's--You're--freakin' God. (What? ...I'm not sure if that's blasphemy or just irreverence, but I'm fairly certain it doesn't belong in a prayer.) In any case more important, godly people than I have asked that and not gotten an answer, so why should the useless, distracted me try to demand one? Or even beg one? Because my faith isn't strong enough, because I'm so much better at head-believing than at heart-believing and can't act on things unless I know the reasoning behind them? Then I should become stronger. Then I should become better at heart-believing. I am so bad at heart-believing. Raised in the church, I know all the answers the Bible-study leaders want and can say them without feeling any of it. When I get to heaven and God asks me why I should get into heaven, I'll know the answer is "because Jesus died for my sins," and I'll--I will, I do--believe it, but if I don't feel it, does it count...? This dispassionate "okay, sure" kind of belief... Is it real? I do believe in God; ...I do believe He's spoken to me through pointed words just-for-me hidden in sermons; ...I do believe this. But why do I only feel it when he speaks specifically to me, not all the time? I should not ask myself if this is average, if I'm an average Christian, because that does. not. matter. At all. Especially if my stupid brain is wondering then if I'm "good enough." Do not be "good enough." Be better! Somehow find a way to start being worthy of the apparent interest God shows in the useless you.
Which is all still rambling and off-topic, BUT it isn't about lawyers so that's a start.
Daigaku no koto.
God, what should I do?
Is it logic or You or some sort of combination that's telling me I should look into other schools? Because it never hurts to look. Because it's expensive here. Because speaking is the focus. Because the textbook ticks me off. These are logical reasons. ....But God can work through logic, can't He? Or does trying to puzzle out the answer keep me from listening to Him? Or is He guiding my logic? This is why I can't tell. I don't trust my own thoughts and I don't know how to distinguish His words from my own when they're just in my head. This is why I can only recognize God's answers when they come to me through someone else's words. Today the pastor said that we wind up where we wind up for a reason and the reason is God. After I'd prayed--oh what a concept--for an answer to the transferring dilemna. Don't you, "Then logically," me, brain...! ...Or is it God that I'm distrusting? Can my mind even find that answer? In church I felt they were God's words to me. Only... when I started thinking about it did I start to doubt that. But now I'm afraid to close off my options. Is it possible for me to put my trust completely in God? ...When I'm not even sure it was God speaking to me... Too many questions and a lack of ability on my part to discern the answers. And even when He tells me the answer I doubt my interpretation... a mortal interpretation, of course I should doubt it. No one can know God's mind... I believe. Or maybe I don't. (What.) There may be some people who can come pretty darn close. I certainly am not one of those people, I just wish I knew what God was telling me. I have felt the unshakable will of God once before--yes I am sure of it, that time was without a doubt God's will--and at that time I refused. Like Moses who said he could not lead the people. God I am not good enough. She was sitting by me crying and all I had to do was whisper and ask her if she needed prayer, and I didn't because I was afraid my words would come out in the wrong order, God I am not good enough I said back in my head and I knew You wanted me to and I told You i couldn't even head-knowing, even head-believing that a person can do anything through You and I can never be sorry enough for that. Do I believe You have forgiven me? I head-believe it as well as I can head-believe anything but I can't stop feeling sorry, I can't forgive myself because I deliberately disobeyed the will of God because of my own pride. Because I can't pray well out loud...! Who needs such an ability? Kudaranee. Trivial. That isn't the point.
I have felt God's will before and at that time I disobeyed. I do not trust my mortal mind to determine God's will--or perhaps I expect something as strong as that time--or perhaps I want to believe what's easiest. I shouldn't try to believe what's easiest. God if You will forgive me for it, if You will permit it I will look into other schools--may I? Or are You telling me not to? ...I can't tell if it's Your voice I hear or just my brain catching onto the relevant words. Will You forgive me if I try to keep my options open? In the future, I'll pray rather than asking Littlejohn-san's toys for the answers to life. That's what I'll promise You now. I'll try to keep that promise.
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