So like... three nights out of five so far this week, I've been struck by a random bad mood. Feeling very isolated, almost like there's a thin shield between me and anyone else. Not that I make any attempt to break through that shield--for goodness' sake, stupid girl, you have a telephone and you know how to use it--but the problem becomes how to break through a shield that is always in place. I don't call people just to talk. I just don't. And I don't know how to--
Back
in
eighth
grade
(and you know this is going to be good)
I wrote
two
little
pieces of doggerel
(the typical, typical emo teen "poetry")
The first
is
still
doggerel, BUT
it is
still
how
I
feel:
I want you to look at me
But I don’t want you to see.
I want you to notice that something’s not right
But I don’t want you to know that something’s wrong.
I want you to leave me alone
But I don’t want you to avoid me.
Begging for attention
That I don’t want,
Cowering from the care
That I need,
And my mind asks—
“Just what’s wrong with you, anyway?”
--
It cannot
possibly
be a good thing
if I'm invoking eighth grade.
In any case that's why this is here, rather than on dA; because I know I am being whiny and passive-aggressive in my desperation for attention
because if I just make a journal entry that says "help" (and that is what my useless mind keeps saying) just the--attention and the worry and the having to keep dealing with comments when my mood has improved and
help
and
why don't you
stop whining
and
go to bed?
1 comment:
I too never call people just to talk. In fact, I avoid using the phone whenever possible. My family just got an unlimited texting plan, and I've replaced most of my talking with text, whenever possible.
I've always found it far easier to express myself in writing rather than through speech. However, my trouble is that I almost never want to express my thoughts in any form at all...which is probably why I fail at blogging. Hope this mood thing is temporary for you! :D
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