So like... three nights out of five so far this week, I've been struck by a random bad mood. Feeling very isolated, almost like there's a thin shield between me and anyone else. Not that I make any attempt to break through that shield--for goodness' sake, stupid girl, you have a telephone and you know how to use it--but the problem becomes how to break through a shield that is always in place. I don't call people just to talk. I just don't. And I don't know how to--
Back
in
eighth
grade
(and you know this is going to be good)
I wrote
two
little
pieces of doggerel
(the typical, typical emo teen "poetry")
The first
is
still
doggerel, BUT
it is
still
how
I
feel:
I want you to look at me
But I don’t want you to see.
I want you to notice that something’s not right
But I don’t want you to know that something’s wrong.
I want you to leave me alone
But I don’t want you to avoid me.
Begging for attention
That I don’t want,
Cowering from the care
That I need,
And my mind asks—
“Just what’s wrong with you, anyway?”
--
It cannot
possibly
be a good thing
if I'm invoking eighth grade.
In any case that's why this is here, rather than on dA; because I know I am being whiny and passive-aggressive in my desperation for attention
because if I just make a journal entry that says "help" (and that is what my useless mind keeps saying) just the--attention and the worry and the having to keep dealing with comments when my mood has improved and
help
and
why don't you
stop whining
and
go to bed?
