Do you ever have one of those times when you look at yourself and realize maybe you're not such a great person after all? Had one of those today. My brother loves chess and he got a weird four-way chess board game. (Works like this, but his is much prettier.) I am not good at chess because I lack the ability to think holistically. I can pretty much think about only one, maybe two pieces at a time, which is the best way to fail at chess that I know of. But I sat down and played for the sake of family togetherness and because he was excited to try his new toy (just as I was excited to read my book... which had been my plan). About twenty minutes in, he had me down to about six pawns, my king, a rook, a bishop, and a knight, and he kept coming after me, and I was beginning to lose patience. I then surrendered because I was sick of sitting there losing etc etc etc youchi de makezu girai (for the last time when will you get it into your head that that phrase was applied to Kira first). And my sisters thought this was ridiculous and accused me of getting "pissed off because I suck at chess." I responded that I was not pissed off because I sucked at chess, I did not play chess because I sucked at chess. And then I went upstairs and pouted.
Pouted, rationalized, made a holier-than-thou face and imagined a conversation in which I asked people to watch Spirited Away with me because I had gotten that for Christmas. Ah. The root of the problem. I just realized it. I wanted to force others to watch it with me because I'd been roped into not only Z's chess game, but T's new Office DVD game. I wanted to see how they liked being made to experience others' presents when they'd rather be experiencing their own. (Mi familia has already seen Spirited Away and universally decided that it is creepy. Yes. It is. But it's gorgeous! Gorgeous!!)
So why did I suddenly realize how selfish I am?
Because as I was upstairs pouting and plotting, Mom and Dad offered to watch Spirited Away with me. And we did.
There are a few problems. My dissimilar interests. My interests' tendency to be individual. My all-too-willingness to simply keep myself amused rather than bother with others. (I know that sociologically this is a problem, no matter how nice and fulfilling it may sometimes seem.)
My lack of willingness to change. My lack of willingness to change. My lack of willingness to change.
Recently I've been noticing a lot of my flaws and shrugging them off with a "Oh well, that's the way I am." I know I should do something about this. But oh well. That's the way I am.
LOLIRONY
Wait that isn't irony though, 'cause it's not really the opposite of what you'd expect (unless you'd expect me to, once acknowledging this flaw, do something about it--in which case, try reading the sentence again).
Oh whatever. Rambling now and trying to get out of slight emo-ness. Angsty journal of DOOM part whatever-we're-on-now.... Wait, had one of those already.
In any case. I think I'll read a bit of The Things They Carried (getting out of emo-ness FAIL) and then play with some panties and percieving and that idiot's noodle stand. Unfortunately TWEWY is still on its way, and even more unfortunately I'm a foolish fool who foolishly saved over her 4-4 save point which means I'll have to play that foolish foolhardy fool of a trial AGAIN at some point *whimper*.
I was happier than this most of the day. Really. Really. I got a nyoro~n shirt!
Me: "It's the nyoro~n girl!"
Mom: "Yeah, those four-panel comics were weird. I had no idea what they were, but I figured you'd probably know what it was about."
Douse, have a holly jolly Christmas, all, and try to think about Jesus a bit more than I did.
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